I started this blog as a way for me to document my kids’ day-to-day activities so that family and friends stayed in the loop. Now I view it with that purpose as well as a journal for my children to have when they are older and interested in what their childhood and our family life were like. I print off the text and pictures and keep a 3-ring binder of my blog posts. (Actually, Brianna, our nanny does it for me.) So it is with the last intent that I am writing this post. This post makes me a little sad but sometimes it’s better to share and get it out versus keep it to yourself.
Today is June 5, 2008. 3 years ago, I miscarried our second baby. The story is as follows. I was approximately 8 weeks pregnant and scheduled to have my first ultrasound at the doctor’s office on June 7, 2005. Obviously with the crazy pregnancy with Brock, they wanted to see me as early as possible. We had known I was pregnant for about 3 weeks. June 5, 2005 was a Sunday. I went to bed at a normal time but woke up with a HORRIBLE dream at around 1 am. I dreamt that I was at my appointment for my ultrasound. I was taken to an exam room facing a specific direction. (I’ve been in each of their 8 exam rooms before – they are not all the same.) I was seen initially by someone wearing a white lab coat, which is not common practice at the office. They told me that Dr. Saffer had been called out of the office on an emergency and that Dr. Marcrander would be conducting my ultrasound. (there are 3 different doctors at this office.) Dr. Marcrander comes in shortly after that and places the ultrasound machine near my head on the right side. She is pregnant in my dream. She then begins her exam and tells me that the baby looks starchy and that I was going to miscarry in the next week or so. She said not to worry, that I would be ok. I began crying in my dream and then woke up, hysterically crying in my bed.
I could not get this dream out of my head. I was very upset and on the day of my scheduled ultrasound, I was having difficulty breathing. I was sure that my dream was correct. I knew that this baby was gone. My mom was visiting us and wanted to join me at the appointment. I had told her about my dream but being a good mom, she just kept saying not to worry and that maybe I was just panicking because of Brock’s unplanned arrival. So off we head to my afternoon appointment. I am taken to an exam room that looks exactly like my dream exam room. Mona, the nurse practioner wearing a white lab coat, takes my medical history and performs just a basic exam. As she is leaving she tells me that Dr. Saffer was called out of the office on an emergency and that Dr. Marcrander will be conducting my ultrasound. I almost screamed. I grabbed her hand and said that this couldn’t happen because if Dr. Marcrander comes in, she is going to tell me that my baby died. Mona looks at me with the oddest look on her face and I told her my dream. I was very insistent that I knew what was going to happen. Especially since so far, the dream was becoming reality. Apparently, Mona leaves the room and talks with Dr. Marcrander about my dream and that I am extremely agitated. My mom makes it into the room where I tell her that my dream is coming true. Dr. Marcrander comes in very lively and tries to be upbeat with me. She tells me that she has heard about my dream. I told her about it and then mentioned to her that she was pregnant in my dream. She told me, well I hope you are wrong since I just had a baby 2 months ago. (I had no idea she was even pregnant.) Anyway, she placed the ultrasound machine near my head on my right side, just like my dream. She starts the exam and I can tell that there is no heartbeat and that the baby didn’t look like how Brock looked. Dr. Marcrander said that I was right and that the baby was gone and she said that the baby stopped growing a couple of days ago. I said I know, it was Sunday June 5th. I was extremely upset. My mom went into the outer office and overhead Dr. Marcrander and Mona discussing how I was right and that they had the chills from my appointment. I then had to schedule my D&C for later in the week. When I went into the operating room for the surgery, Dr. Saffer and I were talking. I asked if he heard about my dream about the miscarriage. He said, oh you are the patient. Dr. Marcrander took 3 pregnancy tests after your visit because of how convincing your dream was. Turns out she wasn’t pregnant.
So, that’s what today is for our family. I am crying a little because of a dream lost. And I am in no way equating my miscarriage with the loss of a child. They are very different and I wouldn’t wish either loss on my worst enemy. It happens to be an event in our lives that Steve and I share and remember. It affected our family and it has changed it in other ways. Without this miscarriage, we would not have Lynzy. For that I know that the plans have worked out exactly as they should have.
